Guest Blogger: Mario Bergner

Our guest blogger today is The Rev’d Mario Bergner. Mario, the author of Setting Love in Order, is the founder of Redeemed Lives and Rector of The Anglican Chapel in South Hamilton, MA.

APPROACHING THE ALTAR FROM A BROKEN PAST

In most Christian wedding ceremonies, there is a moment when the minister declares that the bride and groom have been joined together in the eyes of God. This is followed with the proclamation that they have now become man and wife. We respond with applause, tears of joy, kissing and embracing. The church is filled with a triumphant organ recessional.

In the excitement of the moment, how many of us truly stop to consider what has just happened? We have witnessed a miracle; one no less amazing than the miracle of the wedding feast at Cana. God has joined together that which sin broke apart at the Fall. He has given man and woman to one another as a constant reminder of the relationship He longs to have with us.

I approached my own wedding day with a heart full of questions. I was deeply aware of the significance of the vow I was about to take – of the miracle in which I was about to take part. There was no question in my mind that I loved my fiancée deeply. In many ways, that was the problem! I deeply desired to offer her the kind of husband she deserved. But I wondered if I could be that man. My healing journey out of sexual brokenness had certainly not been without pitfalls. In offering myself before God to one of His beloved, was I being foolish? Or selfish? Or sinful? Could I fully commit myself to a wife? Was I healthy enough to consider marriage?

These questions were certainly not unique to me. They are questions any person might ask when the possibility of marriage presents itself. For any Christian considering marriage, it is important to honestly seek the Lord’s wisdom. For Christians with a history of sexual brokenness, these questions often take on a greater sense of urgency. You will stand before the altar and offer yourself as husband or wife to one of His children. You will become a part of the great miracle of uniting man and woman. You must know that you can do so with a pure heart and with His blessing. The miracle of the joining of man and wife is the holy act of a holy God. You must enter into this miracle with a right sense of reverence.

As you seek the Lord, there are some indicators – road signs that can help you know if you are nearing a place where marriage is a wise and godly choice. Nothing stated here is a hard and fast rule. These are simply guidelines that can help bring some clarity as you listen to the Lord. They should not replace your own honest search in His presence.

It is also important to understand that marriage is not the end of any healing journey. It is an important turning point, but the journey continues. You are not required to be perfect to enter into the miracle. You do, however, need to have a significant history of honesty and repentance where your sin is concerned. It is also important that you do not see marriage as a means to become “more healed.” Marriage is not a tool to be used to draw you closer to the ideal picture of yourself that you have in your mind. The only route to healing is constant relationship with Jesus.

The Structures

The first indicator to look for is full honesty with your intended spouse. Have you told him or her the full extent of your broken past? It is important that you bring your dark past into the light. Once married, your spouse will be your greatest source of support. It is important that they know what they are supporting you in. The commitment to full honesty must not stop with a disclosure of your past. You must be able to commit to a fully honest relationship throughout your life.

For those who have fallen sexually with one or more other people, a vital question to ask is, “How long has it been since my last fall?” Faithfulness in marriage is non-negotiable. If you have acted out with another person within the last two years, you will seriously need to consider whether you have strong enough boundaries in place to give your marriage bed the reverence it deserves. If you have ever acted out with another person, regardless of how long ago, you should be prepared to be tested for STDs and share the results with your partner.

Of course, your spouse cannot be your only source of support and accountability. Before you enter into marriage, it is important that you have structures built into your daily life that keep healthy boundaries between you and your sinful behaviors. This generally takes two forms. First, you need to maintain an appropriate separation from people, places and things that were a part of your sinful past. Second, you need to make sure your unhealthy support systems have been replaced by healthy ones.

An appropriate separation from those things that played a part in your brokenness is needed because they provided you with unhealthy ways of dealing with anxiety and pain. If you marry, you must be able to fully enter into the relationship. If you give yourself the option of running to your old sources of comfort when things get difficult, there will always be an insurmountable gap between you and your spouse. Instead, commit to learning how to feel anxious or sad or angry or frightened while staying fully present in your marriage. You need to learn to ask your spouse for their support and prayers.

Appropriate separation does not necessarily mean completely cutting people out of your life. There are times when that is certainly the best way to deal with an old relationship that triggers unhealthy responses in you. However, if you are preparing for marriage it is important to avoid getting in the habit of pushing relationship away because it is painful. There are times when continuing in a relationship with clear boundaries in place is better than dismissing the relationship completely.

It is not enough to simply separate yourself from old, unhealthy ways of dealing with pain. You need to replace your unhealthy support systems with healthy ones. For all practical purposes, this means engaging fully in Christian community. You need to be an active part of a church body. Christ has left us His Church as a primary way in which He ministers His presence to us. Within your church body, look for a mentor – an older Christian who has been faithful to Lord and is able to share godly insights with you. Ask your mentor to pray for you and with you. Ask him or her to tell you about their life: how they have struggled and how they have been faithful.

You also need to have a small, trusted group of Christian friends with whom you pray regularly and to whom you are accountable. This accountability relationship should not end after we are married. Your spouse should generally not be your accountability partner. In fact, it is almost always best that you are accountable to a small group of people of your own sex. Within in this group, completely honesty is essential. For men, it is especially important to have accountability with other men regarding pornography and internet usage. While some women may also need this kind of accountability, it is a significantly more common struggle amongst men and one that many men can share with each other.

The Reality

Marriage can be an exceptionally difficult relationship. The first year or two is often full of stresses as you learn to change the entire structure of your daily life. Add a child or two to the mix and the stress can really escalate. That is not to say that marriage isn’t worth the effort. It is the most fulfilling and exciting relationship I can imagine this side of Paradise. I have known many people, however, that have pushed to get through their wedding day thinking that life on the other side will be simpler and less stressful. It rarely works that way. Before making the decision to enter into marriage, you must be prepared to enter into the full reality of the new life that awaits you.

It is important that you are absolutely realistic about the sins of your past and present. Do not lightly gloss over the sins that have cropped up again and again. It is not necessary to dwell on your shortcomings, but it is necessary to be realistic about how these shortcomings have affected you and may affect you in the future.

It is also important to be absolutely realistic about what marriage will mean for your life. If you are able to recognize the elements of marriage which might cause anxiety you will be better prepared to deal with that anxiety in a healthy way. Naturally, marriage will be full of surprises and we can’t foretell every source of stress that may pop up. We can, however, make some general observations about how we have dealt with pre-marriage life and consider what may prove to be difficulties in the future.

Sex is one of the most common causes for stress among Christians preparing for marriage. We often buy into the myth that our wedding night must be full of passion and bliss that will be unmatched for the rest of our lives. Reject that myth immediately. Regardless of how much sexual experience you bring to your wedding night, it will not (and should not) be the best physical connection you will ever have with your spouse. Sex is a learning process. If we have the best possible connection on our wedding night, it doesn’t leave us much to look forward to, now does it? Do not be afraid to speak to your married same-sex friends about their experiences. Sex is meant to be a mystery, but it needn’t be shrouded in confusion.

The Miracle Fulfilled

When man and wife join together in the sight of God they become part of His redemptive plan for the world. When you come to marriage from a place of sexual brokenness, the work required to share in that plan can seem insurmountable. Do not be frightened away from His blessings by hard work or fear. God longs to bless us. You must, however, be extremely honest with yourselves and your intended about where you have come from, where you are, and where you see God leading you. Do not be afraid that you are not worthy of the miracle. Do not reject the miracle because you are not perfect. But do consider the full weight and holiness of His Altar. If He calls you to marry, embrace the miracle and praise Him for His good gifts.